Spillin' the Tea at 503

Since Trish and I arrived here at 503 Sams Point Rd in Beaufort, SC (on August 8th at precisely 2:47PM!), one thing that became terribly obvious was how Nanna and Big Guy would sit in silence and do whatever it was they were doing. Whether they were in the kitchen eating, in the living room sitting in their chairs (without the TV on) or on the back deck – the sound of silence was deafening. How could they do this, I thought to myself? After nearly 70 years of being together (69 years of marriage), do you run out of things to talk about? Is this what is meant by people drifting apart and ending up with nothing to say to each other? Is this sitting and existing in silence yet another effect of this disease called dementia? (NOTE: When Trish and I are together and we’re sitting in silence, I know that’s the way she prefers me to be! )

Because this was odd to me, I tried to come up with ways for them to engage with each other, at least while I was there and had to sit through the silence. Since they used to pray the rosary together, I encouraged Mom to start that up again. Mom used to read news articles to Dad from that day’s newspaper, drawing from the headlines of the day; so, I asked her if that was an activity she could possibly start up again. At one point, she even went so far as to try her hand at crossword puzzles with Dad. However, in time, these little things dropped by the wayside in favor of silence and when I asked Mom about them, I got the frown and the simple “We just sorta stopped and I think he lost interest.”

So, I started playing music during meals, while we were in the kitchen / dining area. I’d pick the type of music I felt would be soothing to them: The Rippingtons and Fourplay were a couple of my modern jazz favorites. I’d slip in some Steely Dan, Chicago, Journey and then one day last week, Mom asked me if I could find some Glenn Miller because that’s what they used to dance to. You betcha! So, for the last couple of days, it’s been Glenn Miller and his Orchestra. In fact, I’m typing this listening to “Pennsylvania 6-5000” as they enjoy their lunch.

Today, before the tunes came on, they sat at the table, Mom doting on Dad or staring straight ahead out the window into the front yard. Dad eating – like a machine – with what seemed to be closed eyes. The silence disturbed only by the perennial question from Dad: “What’s for dessert?” Once dessert was served, he’d fall asleep right there at the table – warm, with a full belly – while Mom and I talked about what to do next.

But, then, as I watched them, I realized that maybe people who have been married a long time, let’s say – oh, 69 years or so – don’t really need to say anything to each other. Maybe after that much life and time together, the words have mostly been said. And maybe, sometimes, just being together is enough.

I think there’s a language that doesn’t need sound – the way Nanna reaches to steady Big Guy’s hand without thinking or how he seems to relax the moment he realizes she’s in the room. They sit side by side, not talking, not needing to. The silence between them isn’t empty – it’s full. Full of years, memories, arguments long forgiven (mostly), laughter that still echoes and love that’s been tested and proven again and again. I think I realize that after nearly seven decades, words would probably only get in the way.

Another failed attempt at saying the rosary out on the back deck – the drowsiness that comes with the warm temps and gentle breeze are the only temptation preventing them from completing that task!

Today, we were visited by two spirits: Nurse Kim and Nurse Shayla. Kim was here to get eyes on Dad and change the dressing on his arm. Shayla was here to help Dad in the shower and assist with getting dressed and ready for the day. Both take excellent care of Dad and we’re glad to have them as part of Dad’s care team. While here, Shayla took Mom’s blood pressure and pulse and after relaying some good numbers, she left for the day. She’ll be back on Wednesday. Kim stayed and it was good that she did – Mom felt dizzy and had to sit down for a few moments. This is the 2nd or 3rd time in the last 3 weeks she’s felt dizzy. Yep, a little reminder that she’s 95 years old …

Tonight, it’s Mom’s turn to cook dinner, so off to Cracker Barrel we go!!! This should make for some juicy material to write about tomorrow …

Until then, I’ll say: Lord, thank you for the kind of love that doesn’t need to be spoken aloud – the kind that endures through age, illness and silence. Teach us to love with patience, presence and peace. Because as Trish’s brother pointed out twice to us during our wedding ceremony – “Love is patient, love is kind …”